Dealing with Disappointment

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The following is an essay about dealing with career setbacks, based on my  own experiences. As I continue to learn about the artist’s journey, I will share my discoveries and thoughts with you.

Part I: Gut Punched

The bad news

In our pursuit of artistic success, notoriety and financial security, we are inevitably going to encounter major letdowns. It is not a matter of if, but rather of when these will occur. How do we cope with, and eventually rise above these “low spots” in our journey? Even if these “no” moments don’t occur all the time, they leave us in a vulnerable and fragile place.

Recently, I was contacted by a major network to do an interview about my recent record. This would have meant that millions would be introduced to my work, and conservatively, I would sell a lot of CDs. Most importantly, I would be taken seriously on a national level after all these years!  When I got a call from the producer, she left me with the impression I would hear from them in a few days. After weeks of waiting, assuming that this was a “done deal,” I finally got the word that they would not be doing the segment after all; the host is not typically a jazz fan, and despite the producer’s interest, the interview was not going to happen.

How could anyone possibly spin this as a good thing? Where is the line between hope and denial?

Don’t get your hopes up

Needless to say, the first thought I had upon receiving this unhappy news was that I shouldn’t have been excited, since that opened up the possibility of major emotional letdown. If only I had been appropriately skeptical, this would have been no big deal. Furthermore, the superstition persists that if you “count your chickens” you will be taught a lesson.

The next, and most important regret that came up was based on telling friends about the opportunity. If only I had kept it to myself, somehow the humiliation of this non-event would have been reduced. Now I would have to tell all those people about this letdown. This is a natural reaction.

Regretting even the most understandable excitement is part of the coping mechanism. But think about it: was it possible or even reasonable not to share good news with friends? I definitely was clear that the interview was tentative; I even remember saying “let’s hope it happens” and being realistic about it at the time. Truthfully, nobody thinks less of us because of these “near-misses.”

Dark places

Once regrets have been noted, the next thing is to take stock of all the bad things that have ever happened to us, drawing a clear picture of a cursed and hopeless life.

For me, this broke down into several categories:

1. The talent just isn’t there to play in the “big leagues.” better to go back to weddings and teaching lessons. Should have known better.

2. The universe is a cold, uncaring place. The winners were ordained for success and those of us at the bottom are just stuck there and should realize that. It is my destiny.

3. All the betrayals in my life now form a pattern: I can’t count on any help from anyone in the business; everybody is selfish and ruthless. Don’t expect anyone to help.

4. If only I had worked harder or made the right choices; I am reaping the harvest of my past behavior.

5. Spending all this time and money to make a record was a big mistake; I should have known better than to attempt to build a career as a recording artist.

6. I’m too old; my chances have passed. Time to read the “writing on the wall.”

Needless to say, these are all classic examples of a “pity party” and are melodramatic at best, but they are almost always part of the process, and need to be said, at least once.

 

Part II: Understanding the phases of the coping mechanism

Everyone has to deal with these unfair blows at some time; we might think some people are immune, but this is our mistake. Ask anyone. Here are my suggestions for how to keep going in the face or discouragement:

1. The first reaction is often one of numbness. For me I knew I was going to be upset, but at the time, a surreal calmness and detachment was the first reaction. Don’t be surprised by this; it is part of the coping mechanism. My suggestion is to go about your business and to make sure to avoid major decisions during this and other early phases.

2. Fantasizing about giving up and leaving the field completely, or perhaps of selling all your music gear in an orgy of failure. Don’t do it; but feel free to imagine this.

3. Feeling defeated and hopeless comes next. It is pointless to deny these feelings; they are natural and  reasonable at the time. Take a day (or more) to “lick your wounds.” Mindless activities with family or friends work well at this time. Expect to feel “empty” and to “go through the motions” without conviction. Feel free to be in “robot mode” as you make routine decisions or deal with the situation.

4. Talking about your anger and betrayal. This is important. These things need to be said in order to validate your pain. For me, I sent a text to a friend that said “I feel like I wasted thousands of dollars and years on this project.”  His response, while wise and caring, was not as important as the outgoing declaration of frustration and defeat. For me, once these feelings are out in the light of day, they lose a little bit of power. Friends know this.

5. Once the pain has subsided, I find that I begin to make new plans again, though carefully. This usually happens a few days later, depending on the magnitude of the situation. For me, this is much like the calm after a nasty thunderstorm has passed. You may feel as if you are denying the injury and going numb again; actually, you are beginning to heal. Even now, major decisions are probably not a great idea; the relief you are feeling may not allow total objectivity, but at least feel free to toss around ideas.

6. There may be “relapses” from time to time that put you back in some of these previous states; this is OK. They will be short-lived reenactments of the more dramatic feelings you had earlier, like “aftershocks.”

 

Part III: Moving on

Truthfully, there are only two choices: give up, or move on. While the first choice has its appeal early in the process, the only real answer is to take the energy of our experience and apply it to our future, which is going to be there whether we like it or not. Sometimes these landmarks, while scarring and painful, leave us cleansed and strangely defiant.

One strategy that I use is to deliberately do the opposite of the natural impulse. This may seem contrary to logic, but life is short, and I have tried it the other way.

1. A failed or under-performing project would seem to give us the message to “cut our losses.”  The opposite: Create a new project.

2. Disappointments would logically lead to caution and retreat. The opposite: be bolder than ever.

3. Dreams and plans rarely turn out as expected. The opposite: Dream even more concretely, and behave as if they are inevitable.

4. Experiencing excitement about possibilities can lead to agonizing letdowns. The opposite: Imagine your victory. You already know how to handle the loss.

 

Question:

Have you experienced a humbling setback? How did you cope with it, and in the end, how did it lead you forward?